Nick, this is your mother speaking

Have you seen the apple tree?

by Denise Novaky on 08/27/13

Have you seen the apple tree's trunk? It is frequently knarled and twisted but, eventually, reaching skyward and bearing fruit. Does the tree know which way it is growing or contented to continually seek light and hope for the best? I suppose if you are always going the right way, towards the light, and doing the 'next right thing' you eventually will find yourself skyward and bearing fruit of your labor.

Growing skyward isn't always easy. Sometimes, there are many days of near-darkness making it difficult to find the light. Sometimes, the winds howl with such a tension that it is a wonder the trunk does not break in half and die. Other times, the cold snow falls so heavily that there is nothing to do but crawl inside and seek warmth. The sun inevitably shines again and makes the new fallen snow glisten. The snow falls off the tree's branches in loud clumps that surprise any passerby. And the tree goes skyward.

The tree is beaten up by season after season of storms and drought and floods and gale winds. And it stands, skyward.

The tree knows, there is no other choice.

Comments (1)

I have failed.

by Denise Novaky on 08/23/13

The consequences of an act

affect the probability of its occurring again.

-BF Skinner

Well, I don't want to get all sci fi or Orwellian (1984) but some things are just a reality. If a behavior is followed by a positive outcome, the person will continue behaving in that way. If the behavior is followed by a truly negative outcome for the person, (s)he will stop acting in that way. PERIOD.

If I clean up your mess and take on the negative outcome because it will affect me less horribly than you, I should have no expectation that you will stop that behavior. Maybe I will yell at you and show my disdain for a while. That outcome may be aversive but apparently it is not intense or long lasting enough to be a truly negative outcome.

Despite knowing this truism, I cleaned up your mess and took the negative outcome on myself. Whew... I am glad I saved you from that negative consequence because, although it was not devastating, it certainly pinched and I learned my lesson.....

uh oh.....

that doesn't work.....

I have not behaved in the way that forced the negative outcome in the first place ....Actually, I have NEVER acted in that way!!

What's worse....I have no control over whether you will behave in that way again. The universe provided me with control, on a silver platter, but I chose to solve the problem that never belonged to me instead of delivering the message TO YOU.

And so, I have failed.

Comments (1)

Let go or be dragged

by Denise Novaky on 08/15/13

Nick, this is your mother speaking:

We made a memorial at the place where you and Neil ascended beyond the physical .
We convened there. We planted flowers. We talked there and found solace.
Then, someone took it away from us.

I shouted. I lamented. I sobbed. I planned. I chastised. I shouted (again).

Then, I stopped, sat back, and thought,
"You can hang on tightly, so tightly, but lose your spirit."
"Let go or be dragged," I remembered.
Let go of the offense.
Let go of the insult.
Let go of the struggle.
Persevere,
don't grip until the joints in your hands are hardened
and your heart matches.

Hold on with a bulldog grip, and chew and choke as much as possible.--Abraham Lincoln

When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be. --Lao Tzu

We will convene at another place and plant flowers and find solace. We will persevere. We will convene. We will have happy memories. We will not grip.

It will be easy and natural.

How deeply did you learn to let go? --The Buddha.

I am, forever, your mother and that of your brother, Ben.

Comments (0)

A Conversation with Socrates

by Denise Novaky on 07/29/13

Dear Nick:

How I wish that I might have a conversation with Socrates. If you should find him philosophizing in the next realm, you would be smart to sit and listen.

I would begin my conversation with Socrates by congratulating him. You see, Socrates not only has impeccable insight ('Once made equal to man, a woman becomes his superior.") but a tremendous sense of humor ("My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you will be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.").

Most importantly, though, he taught mankind that the truly wise individual recognizes that he/she knows nothing ("True wisdom comes...when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us.").

Therefore, we do not need to know our life's path like the light-up map on a GPS. We should not be discouraged if our car is not abiding the purple line on the GPS roadmap of life. None of us know absolutely where we are going. Travel in a direction after weighing the pros/cons and ensuring some measure of safety and, in the words of Mr. Nike, JUST DO IT. Gather that which you discover while on the journey and then decide on the next turn.

We do not know the right answer. You will not find it standing still.

Peace,

I am, as always and forever, mother to Ben and Nick

Comments (0)

Don't wish me happiness

by Denise Novaky on 07/23/13

Dear Nick:

Knowing you as I do, I am fairly certain you want me to live a happy life. Well, after you left this realm for heaven, that request has been difficult to fulfill. However, I did start to think about and investigate things I never considered before the night I lost you, my youngest baby.

I wonder how Mary, the mother of Jesus, coped with the death of her baby. The incarnation of God or not, Jesus was STILL HER BABY. She was still a mother. She had to watch him suffer a crucification that, although it may have been the standard dealth penalty of the day, must have been a horror for her. We celebrate how Jesus is risen; how he walked on Earth for 40 days. He built a church, a movement, that has lasted 2000 years. I understand and depend upon my personal relationship with Him as saviour. However, Mary's grief is not lost on me. The strength and fortitude she must have needed to survive those awful days is beyond my consciousness. How did I never consider that?

How have other people survived the pain I know so well. There is very little, if anything, written about Mary's sorrow and pain. John Walsh started a campaign for children to help quell the sorrow of families. Eric Clapton's lament is whether his boy will know his name in heaven; I totally get that. However, I am fairly certain I will meet up with you in heaven BECAUSE I WILL CHASE YOU DOWN! I am your mother.

Sylvester Stallone lost a child. He said, "When you're scared, when you're hanging on, when life is hurting you, then you're going to see what you're really made of." Well, we know what I'm made of; just ask the press. LOL

Bill Cosby lost his son while the boy was helping someone on a freeway. Bill Cosby said, " Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it." I do have moments, many moments of laughter and fun. I do find periods of enjoyment.

I am fulfilled with my work. I love seeing your brother and cousins evolve. I love my friends. I experience fun events. The notion of being happy in my life ended on June 19, 2012, the day our family lost you from living with us on Earth. I feel like I have lost one of my chicks; I feel like I've lost count and one got away from my watch. I feel unsettled. One of my clotch, pride, brood is missing.

When Anne Lindbergh lost her son, she said, " Don't wish me happiness - I don't expect to be happy it's gotten beyond that, somehow. Wish me courage and strength and a sense of humor - I will need them all."

I miss you, Nick. That simple sentence does not convey the incredible burden or sorrow that fills my heart.

I am forever your mother and that to your brother Ben.

Comments (1)